sighhhh… 3 hour nap at 8 o clock thats the only reason im up.. the whole day was okay i actually go t my mind off of everything for awhile but i was just reminded of how stupid i was. i coulda lost everything, man… its hitting me real hard right now. I feel like i lost something, like a huge chunk of it disappeared because of what i did. Like I burned a huge amount of trust away and I don’t know if I’ll get it back, it feels like I won’t and that’s the worst feeling right now. Knowing that it won’t ever come back. I feel as if I’ll be viewed in a total different light and it sucks man fuck. sigh.. I guess im lucky though.. she coulda decided to just not continue and i would have lost something real good, i can’t imagine that happening, i don’t want that to happen.. its almost surreal to even think about that. not a lof of people have had an influence on my life this much even i sometimes get surprised by it. wake up call.

i was scared to tell you, i thought about not telling you but for some goddamn reason i cant keep ANYTHING from you. i was scared that if i told you, you might just get up and leave. i didn’t realize it at the time but now i see thats what i was most scared of, i didnt know how you would react to it but i knew it’d be bad. honestly sometimes in my head im just like “who are you?’ where did you come from? i’m completely struck by how much i’ve invested myself in this relationship. is that bad? to be in the deep end of the pool so early? but, it feels right and if it feels right you gotta follow your gut feeling sometimes and i’m doing it now. I can honestly say I Love You and I care about you A LOT a lot more than i realize sometimes. I don’t want anything to ruin that, anything.